Conflict Resultion - Avoiding triggers
Recognizing triggers in yourself and others
Growing up in a family of 10 kids requires some thick skin! A common form of entertainment for us was figuring out what someone’s trigger was, and then figuring out how to squeeze it. Particular sounds and sights, embarrassing stories, sensitive topics – it was all on the table! If you could get someone to storm out of the room, it was a point. Crying was worth a bonus point!
We all got quite good at identifying other people’s triggers. However, it took a lot of storming out of a room crying before most of us were able to identify our own. As an adult, I have found both of these skills to be extremely useful, only now I use them for good.
A woman I was dating was telling me about a plan she had for a business she wanted to start. I was curious and excited and started asking questions about it. Eager to flesh it out a bit, I started what I felt was brainstorming. This was fun for me, and I thought it would be fun and useful for her, but things didn’t go that way. It turns out, her brothers would start to ask questions the same way I did, and then they would inform her that her idea was wrong and proceed to instruct her on what it should be. Even though I was trying to help her generate more ideas of her own, I had stepped on a major trigger point of hers.
Because of my misstep, she made it clear that she didn’t want to hear what my thoughts were. Growing up as the youngest of 10, no one ever wanted to hear my thoughts or ideas. Her not wanting to listen to my ideas made me feel marginalized and that was a major trigger for me. Luckily, before this escalated too far, we both recognized that we weren’t angry about what the other person actually said. We were angry about how it made us feel. An afternoon apart, to settle down and reset. was required before we could have a pleasant conversation again.
I now recognize most of my many triggers. By recognizing situations that are likely to push my buttons - and extracting myself from them early, I have avoided a great deal of aggravation.
Because other people’s triggers are unknown, it can feel like walking in a mine field. In the movies, the careful soldier hears a click and is able to disarm the mine before it blows. Recognizing when someone’s reaction seems out of proportion to what I said or did is like hearing that click. I slow way down and try to figure out what is really happening in the conversation from their point of view. This has saved me many times over the years!
